and it tastes of summer

454

rebbi — Tue, 24 Jan 2012 03:45:29 +0000

this week has been different, a strain on the body when my soul has been so free.. having a relationship with prescriptions is not at all my idea of health and wellness, so around 9pm, i broke up with my medicine.. after dryheaving until around 6pm, several attempts to soothe myself by taking hot showers, an amazing mom who is nursing me at the beach house, finally around 9pm, fever broke. stomach is still a bit queasy, head is still headacheish, but i’m looking forward to clear thoughts, feeling great and being able to work 10 hour days again.

Filed under: recovering

453

rebbi — Sun, 22 Jan 2012 03:33:55 +0000

written via Siri 1/13/2012 while driving through the mountains of eastern Tennessee

I am piecemeal. these are the random of thoughts, not a prettily spoken or fluid motion, no, this is a puzzle of words just spoken while taking it all in..

It’s almost Wonderland. Almost. The sky is cloudy with hints of blue clouds, gray overall. 26° and the temperature is dropping quick on this mountain. Bridges and roads are covered in this great song to set to, feels like my heart is too. There’s snow on the mountains, ice stripping down the rock and there was a waterfall frozen mid flow, day it’s amazing how beautiful scenery can be.

And as darkness slowly creeps in, the light disappears on the horizon- I can’t help but feel so quiet, still, an anonomyous passerby, and unknown in the city, and I’m an unidentified stranger on the highway. I feel like I could scream and yell and honk my horn and no one would look, but that’s okay I feel like there’s some type of solitude be it within myself. So many of my days spent loud vibrant, I’m winterthese days, it’s nice and refreshing to have beauty within were the sunshine is exuded from my soul when missing from the sky.

It really is beautiful out here, trees bow down to make way to winter snow and ice. You adorn the trees in the land with winter frost. Other trees still semifrozen the chips of bury lens on covered in snow and icecicles as though this were a movie, a still photograph, a breathtaking picture of God’s creation.

Filed under: lunch meat and star gazing

452

rebbi — Tue, 10 Jan 2012 18:50:28 +0000

Fact is, I could light you like a cigarette, set fire to the tip of you, let some oxygen fuel the burn, breathe you in, that nicotine rush, fill the room with your smoke. You’ll stain me with your smell, even hours and days after I’ve put you out and I won’t be rid of you yet, there is a whole pack of you left.
the road In front of my house bends and curves right after it goes under the bridge that has spray paint traces and decades of rust underneath the ivy that clings to the concrete and metal like it is it’s mother. But this road takes a curve in my direction, though cars turn once more, there is a point when cars are directed right towards me, fourty-five miles and hour right towards me, but they always turn and bend with the road before them, but I wait on that one car, the one who will cross over the curb, take out the trees and mailbox, stop short of my porch landing them in the shrubs and over the cobblestone path, opening up the door, walking up the steps and letting the contents of our hearts spill onto ground as though it was a waterfall that could actually contain liquid love. And when I actually see him, you, you will be everything I have imagined and yet a total surprise. Though a thousand years overdue, you’ll have been here, attached to my soul like we shared it since before we were ever on the earth, hands, eyes and mouth all familiar, back, neck and feet all memories from before we’ve created them..
I need you today, your words that calm me down when I’m so mad I shake, when my defenses are a crumbled wall, a result of battle and the arrows that scar my tower walls..
Until I can inhale you..

Filed under: lunch meat and star gazing

451

rebbi — Thu, 29 Dec 2011 04:38:04 +0000

you’ve haunted me today, weaved through my thoughts like a bird in flight- never quite landing on a word, proper noun or adjective, only circling the room with your feathers propelling your motion around me, nesting not in my thoughts, but instead on my heart.. you’re beauty within the pages i’ve avoided and i’ve waited only a portion of the moments you’ve waited on me. it seems you’ve bonded my soul and spirit to what is eternal and glorious within you and you’ve left a bit of your Holy within me.

how precious it is that you hear me and listen..

Filed under: blender

450

rebbi — Wed, 28 Dec 2011 22:31:02 +0000

walls come down, like jericho has been danced around, walls are down. my heart is open for those who pillage, but you guard me, still. an Ancient Tower clothed in stone and iron, a place that feels cold, dark, violent until your arms bend bare and it’s warm, quiet and still within me though wind blows like my coastal hurricanes that batter the ships within our sea, protecting my wide open heart, protecting me. You’re the new within my breathing, the aged within my soul, and now the transitions within these seasons are like a ‘han’ deep, deep and deeper and pulling me in and out of the currents like a tease that affects the emotions yet i’m steady and free with wildness setting me ablaze. how curious it felt, this newfound trait, i was ashamed of it at first, like it was traces of red rebellion, but its vibrancy is the color of Your eyes and i get them from you, i’m the very image of you. let this fire run free in me.

Filed under: blender

449

rebbi — Wed, 28 Dec 2011 03:16:10 +0000

the air over my chest feels heavy tonight, like weight on the lungs, i’m waiting on the salt air to rid me of this congestion like i am waiting on the tides to come in. i’ve been slowed down this week, stagnant like a pond, wishing to flow like a stream. thoughts all out of order, writers block and stomach in knots..

Filed under: blender

448 room 202

rebbi — Tue, 13 Dec 2011 02:58:02 +0000

this hotel room is dark, though the paint is kindof fresh. i’ve got james blake singing me some beauty in the form of songs while the cold air is warmed from the opposite side of the room.

i’ve been tempted to go downstairs to the bar, but figure i’ll just go to bed instead. work has drowned my time with regret and the remainder of this 15 hour day with the type of ache in the breath that you get from choosing some things over others while knowing the consequences while doing so.. but i played with fire during the days in the water, so my hands, not quite burned, are sensitive to the touch of anything besides ice..
the sea was filled with the salt that circles the rim of beverages we all like to lose ourselves in. but i never tasted these thoughts on your mouth, no, i withheld myself from that. i’m selfish for one, jealous for one, careless for him that i’ve not yet met. and he is somewhere else, i imagine a city with more skyscrapers than waves, more wind than breeze, more concrete than trees and he’s there- always there, never here..

Filed under: earthshakes and heartquakes

447

rebbi — Thu, 08 Dec 2011 02:37:38 +0000

You’re like the air on the beach, from another place but making your home on my shores, stirring up sand and hearts.. You’ve gotten under my skin and into my thoughts like salt in the veins, lips and lungs.
I never asked for your aftertaste to permeate my soul, like wine on the mouth and sweat on the skin, you’re leaving frost on my heart.
It’s a game I’m not equipped to play, but we’re waist deep in this beauty and waste..

Filed under: lunch meat and star gazing

446

rebbi — Thu, 08 Dec 2011 02:08:37 +0000

you weave in and out me, like traffic on 17s, the way the lanes shift and bend yet lie within a few miles of the shore the entire drive home. i feel like a bird in flight meandering on this route, slow enough to be on the street..

my heart is on fire, yet grief for the self sabotaging ways i can’t seem to deviate from.

Filed under: lunch meat and star gazing

445

rebbi — Sun, 04 Dec 2011 07:02:34 +0000

tonight is not that quiet, imbetween things to do and people to see, but sometimes you need solitude and a few moments to exhale.
though there was much laughter and adventure within this day, keeping me out until after 1am, my favorite moments of it were the still ones, when i was in my favorite spot, quiet, and listening to the roar of waves yet still, small and silent within myself.

Filed under: brutality in honesty

444

rebbi — Wed, 23 Nov 2011 05:05:35 +0000

it started two nights ago, feeling those feelings among the bottom of the trees, like i was rooted there with them but feeling like i was nested where the birds are, allowing thoughts to tangle me in the branches. how they stretched and arched to unite though those meyers park streets separated them a hundred feet below perfectly. a road named east and remnants of lingering conversations beneath dark green umbrellas are years old but seem fresh in this mid-november wind and under these rain clouds.. the clouds were hazy that night, they hid the tops of skyscrapers from my view and let everything be secretive and oh so mysterious.
it continued yesterday with writers block and the emotional vacancy becoming the polar opposite of the overwhelm, how quickly i chose to forget such things and yet how quickly they surface. i’ve searched for traces of myself within the little things i can access of you, but it seems i am gone from there. i have all but disappeared from your words, as beautiful as they are.
even then, i was sitting on a concrete step, half a decade ago, listening to those words on the other end of the line, but even now-even now, it is good to know when to hang up, what to bury within the ground and when to forget.

Filed under: dying to be known

443

rebbi — Thu, 17 Nov 2011 23:24:59 +0000

whomever you are, wherever you may be, whether under this autumn moon and in near mountain breezes, or in a salty wind with nightfall bringing deep and dark curtains across the horizon, i hope you are warmed.

…and that you have an amazing soundtrack playing for only you

Filed under: lunch meat and star gazing

442

rebbi — Fri, 11 Nov 2011 05:05:49 +0000

it’s a never ending love for these colors. never ending vibrancy that actually does end, and too soon. by the time then end of autumn arrives, it is starkly winter and we are too bundled for far too long. but i love winter. i always have. and where my numb hands and feet desire spring, my heart loves the dormancy that is this slow dance with november winds..

Filed under: lunch meat and star gazing

441

rebbi — Thu, 10 Nov 2011 01:57:00 +0000

today has felt as though you were here, like i was living my life beside you. you, a transparent other beside me. like our closeness was not requiring words or conversation, no, we were past all of that with just our souls needing only the other in the same room.

it was a beautiful day.. once dawn settled in and the room lost everything golden and the light changed to a pewtery, deeper shade of silver. i kept recalling st. john of the cross when he referred to ‘silvered o’er faces’ and wondered if everything in that time was happening in the midst of the fall/winter transition and it was in the perfect moment of day when the sun is setting and the world outside of these walls is fitting everything in to be home before dark.. these are my moments, the ones where the busyness out there is only felt when peering through my window panes, dingy and old as they are. for the tranquility of my home is fueled on candlelight and serenades and an eternal satisfaction in knowing that one day, one precious yet distant day, we will be sharing the same space and air.

Filed under: dying to be known

440

rebbi — Thu, 10 Nov 2011 01:49:57 +0000

after a lovely few days of company in town, i find that i am not productive when stalled in my own environment. my habits are sure and when temporarily changed for accomodation of different, i lose focus and momentum and take a few days to find it. my new rule is: no house guests during the week unless they are occupied during my work hours..

Filed under: brutality in honesty

439

rebbi — Thu, 03 Nov 2011 15:23:56 +0000

it’s like i’m lighting candles for you. in the midst of this day when i’m at my window working, cars drive by covered in rain drops and splashing through puddles as they go. then, there will be a brief moment, sometimes only seconds where there are no cars, no consistent passing by and it will get quiet, solemnly quiet where you actually hear rain drops landing on streets and sidewalks and occasionally, my window pane. it is on this morning where there is a realization that it is no longer summer, on this third day of november, through the dark clouds that stir above this mountain town, the trees are the most colorful and wearing their autumn shades nicely; i am most content within this old victorian, shotgun house where the wood creeks and the windows don’t keep the cold out or the heat in, let alone the noise. but like these moments of imbetween cars and events and travel and when there is a hush that escorts rain drops to land within your earshot, these moments are perfect for being grateful for the way everything is.. two months left in 2011, i don’t want to lose this year, this has been the best year of my life. i can only imagine 2012.

Filed under: lunch meat and star gazing

438

rebbi — Tue, 01 Nov 2011 16:56:32 +0000

i find solace in you, you words on the pages i flip through and devour when the story sweeps me into another world, when i find that trace of remembrance of missingness for an other that wrote something so pleasant and melodic on the tongue so long ago that was meant for me. and again when i replay scenes like a movie reel from almost 10 years ago when the air lingered of coffee and there were words in the form of lattes and hot tea. it is there when i sink into the depth of psalms, proverbs and matthew, mark and luke where there are words in black, white and the strongest of reds. there are words that are in me, sitting on the edge of the tidal wave-beating against my armored walls, waiting to explode and cross the sea and shake houses and forests when they cause their quake.. if only i knew how to set them free.

Filed under: lunch meat and star gazing

437

rebbi — Tue, 01 Nov 2011 16:15:01 +0000

what was hidden away on the 28th of october in some email draft for a later thought on a later date:

Its like you were there, cloud cover and mystery between the ever present sunset.

I haven’t forgotten you, this heart searches my hands and feet to maybe feel you in the places I go, things I touch, but this land doesn’t hold enough of you, the fault is mine. I can bring you in beside me, abruptly invading the atmosphere. .. Too late have I found that I want you more than anyone else. There Is no person known that I can name that my soul craves. Yet you are in the thoughts and present in the cavities and recesses of the mind.

Filed under: blender

436

rebbi — Sun, 30 Oct 2011 04:53:06 +0000

i’ve circled here before. the place between free and bound and clear and murky waters. you’re like a triumph to my failures and i love you for it.

Filed under: blender

435

rebbi — Sun, 23 Oct 2011 01:55:21 +0000

a perfect autumn evening, mid-October chill when the air is crisp and you smell last night’s bonfire still lingering in the air. a stray dog walks down wedgewood finding the scents of others while cars drive by surpassing the speed limit becaus there is somewhere important they must be. but my front porch is lonely, 2 candles and one blanket remind me of the warmth i’ve so grown fond of over the hot, hot summer. the painted wood bends and curls with the weathered effects of age, water damage and those who have paced this floor for miles, there is something heavy in the air tonight and my heart may need to pace these boards some more.
traffic slows with the need for a turn lane, disappearing as quickly as it came, like waves there is the sound and rythyms that leave patterns, cars pass by, then they pass by again until all is quiet, then more come.

the tennessee air is growing on me, i’m growing fond of a city i probably shouldnt become attached to, this happens every time though, i fall head over heels with the architecture and pace of the city, move just as i find my rythym there and continue the cycle of moving boxes until my heart grows attached to the next whirlwind of a location, within a state, which all feel the same with their nuances, cultural habits and the lovely people that you could easily become like family with. but, there is distance between me and all of them as though my heart knows its’ bounds and what it can and can’t endure, the attachments, like romance cause missingness and then i find myself wishing to live in every city at once..

today was beautiful, a long morning in pajamas and that sleepy aftermath that stays on your skin, hair and mouth until you’re fully awake and moving.. visited an on farm market for produce, stealing up the last of the season before the frosts come. i keep sitting on the edge of my seat though, waiting for something spectacular to happen, but this city has once seen my heart alive in winter where fireworks lit my soul, i understand if it doesn’t happen twice, besides, it’s still 2011, next year will take my breath away.. or so i’m told.

Filed under: dying to be known

434

rebbi — Wed, 19 Oct 2011 08:14:33 +0000

it rained today, moved my heart it did, it rained the way it does on the nights like winter. it was cold and the rain fell soft on our shoulders and hands and through my clothes, onto my skin. it was beauty within liquid form. i felt you in it though, like i was your lighthouse wishing you in from sea, a beacon asking you to find me; but you’re not here, you’re there, wherever you are and i’ve made memories of my own tonight.
a friend joined me on my porch swing, under heated blankets and giggling over red wine, we laughed and talked loudly, losing feeling of hands and our faces until we fell asleep.
but dear, tonight the dream came heavy, this house haunts me in the hours that transition from late to early and my sleep is rarely full. the dreams are varied and intense and nothing short of the kind that wake me entirely, so i generally roam or write or read for an hour or two until my heart beats normal and my chest rises and falls like a rythym i’ll one day share with you. i dont know why these nights stir me from slumber, dont know if the house or the spirit in me is not at rest, but i would have liked you beside me tonight..

Filed under: lunch meat and star gazing

433

rebbi — Sun, 16 Oct 2011 03:02:37 +0000

it is the most grande thing to wake up to your mercies, be lured into the everlasting hope that brims on the surface like the impending boil to water over flame.. when my mind is overwhelmed and all kinds of despondant, this heart seems to grab hold of a that fabric sewn into a garment holding the power to heal every disease and it does not want to let go. there has always been the place in me that is fully yours, fully fallen, but fully longing, i’ve enjoyed seeing the match meet the flame and how i seem to come alive when i’m in you..

tonight the moon is bright and yellow in the middle of a dark cobalt sky, this is the first time in almost a month that i’ve been home, in tennessee, enjoying my front porch swing and how it is finally time for blankets out here. the candles do little for warmth of the skin or bringing light, but they warm the heart nonetheless. this hot tea is the perfect temperature to keep me smitten and i’ve realized breaking down to buy slippers was the best decision i made last week. while i adjust back to the laziness of being in the central time zone, i cant help but be the most overwhelmingly point of brokenly grateful for everything. the entirety of my being seems to be the most fortunately happy one can possibly be.

it’s like fingertips covered in paint have danced all along the world today and left artwork in every dark corner. overshadow me with your colors tonight..

Filed under: blender

432

rebbi — Mon, 10 Oct 2011 01:15:29 +0000

you’re good and perfect- something holy on a throne of my birthstones and with the best of thoughts still higher than mine. when you see all and the best in me, when you know all and still love me; when there is a goodness like a diamond in the rough.

Filed under: blender

431-transformation

rebbi — Thu, 06 Oct 2011 19:37:38 +0000

these minutes go by like the breeze used to rush against me while on the shoreline, waves would hit the packed sand but wind would also leave its’ mark. low lying breeze strong as the jet stream hurled up onto the rise in the soil and nowhere to land but on our skin like a kiss between two long distant loves in the airport that i both love and hate walking by. it’s hard to explain this season, complete contentment and joy from things i’ve never been able to take joy in, but also asking questions into google as though it was sovereign and all knowing- brimming over with answers like it was a fountain, such a perfect flowing..

this heart continues to overflow and take it all in, savouring these days when it is both cold and warm and undecided of the season, just like this life is. i guess the key is not to push the change which moves so gradual and takes each moment necessary to do so, but to enjoy the warmth and cozy up into the cold when the temperature drops..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y4_T8QNjUaY&feature=mr_meh&list=WLFAA7805E13697F7C&lf=mh_lolz&playnext=0

Filed under: blender

430

rebbi — Mon, 03 Oct 2011 16:53:55 +0000

these days are whirlwinds of 14 hour work days and new markets and transitions and airplanes, rental cars and hotel rooms. i don’t mind it that much, as long as there is wireless so i dont get behind. even this morning was a rush, rush, RUSH, to complete everything, now a wait, wait, WAIT. but my first cup of coffee for the day is in order, a soundtrack to distract the mind into something other than stress.
i’m pretty fortunate to be spending over 2 weeks in my piedmont, i’ll be getting a few days by my ocean in that time, see good friends that nurture the soul and promote laughter until i’m doubled over.

Filed under: lunch meat and star gazing